The History of Twin Bayous: A Journey of a Thousand Miles

Hi, y’all! Lori Clemens here again with more news on what happened this past week.

Well, as I told you in the previous episode, my BFF, Moon-Unit Clemens, or as I call her, Moo, used her witchie-witch wand to turn me into a fairy. She gave me the cutest set of green wings and when I saw them, I squealed: “Awww, how sweet of you, they match my eyes!”

Speaking of green, she did not say a word, but I could tell that Melody (Mel) was extremely jealous.

I was just about to get her to admit it when she ran across the room to greet her mother, who had just walked in.

Mel, adores here mother, but I think that she’s disgusting. Look at her. She’s pregnant… ah-gain!

While Mel was talking to her mom, I was rocking out to Blondie.

And as usual, Moo was at the video games playing Miz Pacman.

Then suddenly I saw that Mel was leaving with her Mom. I flew down the stairs. “Mel, Mel, you can’t go! We have to do Gathering for class.”

When I got to the bottom of the stairs, everybody told me to shoosh because Mrs. Clemens was telling a story.

When she finished, and walked away, I’m like: “Oooo, look at me! I’m an adult and I’m speaking so nobody else can talk.”

Mel said: “You are such a little freak.”

I didn’t say anything but I thought to myself, speaking of freaks, there is that trashie townie Collen Clemens. She is so awful that suddenly I wanted to gag.

I introduced myself to Colleen. I said ‘hi’ and then I said, ‘you’re pretty’ and she said ‘thank you so are you’ and then I said ‘bye’.

She seemed so nice. Maybe I think I’ll change my mind about hating her.

Mel popped to my side: “My mom is taking me clothes shopping. You wanna go?”

Before I could answer, we (the whole world) heard Moo screaming from way upstairs: “I heard that! I wanna go clothes shopping!

So, we all piled into a cab and took off across town.

As we were driving along, I heard Mel’s mom talking on the phone to Mel’s dad and then all sudden: “Stop the car! Stop the car!” Mel’s mom was yelling at the cab driver. The cab stopped and we all got out.

“What is happening?” I asked.

“My mom is having the baby!”

“Here? Why did we stop in the middle nowhere? Shouldn’t she go to the hospital?”

“My dad is coming to pick us up.”

Mel’s dad came and picked them up, but left Moo and me standing on the sidewalk a thousand blocks from the Gentille Boutique.

I asked Moo: “Now what are we going to do?”

She has the awful habit of answering a question with a question and she asked: “Wanna see a trick I learned recently?”

Before I could finish my sentence of “No, I don’t want see your stupid—“,

She waved her wand…

…and we were both magickly transported to the parking lot of the Gentille Boutique and Beauty Salon, right next door to the Talking Ass Bookstore.

I could not think of the word for what we just did. So, I pulled out my pocket dictionary and I started to look it up. Yet, before I could find the word, Moo grabbed me by my arm and said, “C’mon let’s go try on clothes!”

About an hour later, we were both back outside standing in the parking lot and I said: “I feel stupid.”

And Moo said: “No, no. you look cute.” To which I responded: “No, you are the one who looks cute. That dress is so darling.”

“You really like it?” Moo asked.

I responded: “Yeah, if I were a boy, I would jump you right here in the parking lot.”

To which she responded: “Slut!”

Looking over at the bookstore, I noticed someone standing there and I said: “Speaking of slut. There is that trashie Donna Gentille. Why don’t you go over and turn her into toad or something?”

Mel went over to Donna, Dawn Gentille’s twin sister, and she obviously did not turn her into a toad. I could not hear the entire conversation, but it went something like: “That dress is so darling.” “You really like it?” “If I were a boy, I would jump you right here on the sidewalk.”

About that time, my cell rang. I screamed at Moo: “Hey! Mel is calling and she said to come get her at the hospital. Her mother’s labor was fake and they sent her home. Kiss blondie goodnight and let’s go!”

Looking for something else to read? See “The Bloodsucker Journals” at Simplanations.


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